If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You

 This movie, with this peculiar title, came out in October near me, but I passed up my chance to watch it then. With Rose Byrne getting Oscar buzz, I realized I had to see it some time. That time came a few days ago, as I rented it through Amazon and pressed play. Let’s see what I’ve missed.

Linda (Byrne) has a lot on her mind. Her Ship Captain husband, Charles (Christian Slater), is on a two-week worktrip, leaving her to take care of their daughter (Delaney Quinn). Their daughter, who isn’t even named and whose face is mostly kept off-screen, requires a feeding tube to treat an unspecified condition. They can’t keep up with Dr. Spring’s (director and writer Mary Bronstein) strict wellness program. And then, her ceiling collapses, which requires the two of them to move to a motel.

It just so happens that Linda is a therapist, who regularly receives counseling from a colleague (Conan O’Brien). One of her regular patients is Caroline (Danielle Macdonald), a new mother with severe postpartum depression. One day, Caroline up and leaves Linda with her baby, and her husband (Bronstein’s husband Ronald) can’t be bothered to immediately relieve her. Although she gets the police to help, Linda can’t get any for the ceiling, which gets worse by the day. All of this causes her mental health to deteriorate further and further. Is there a light at the end of her tunnel?

When we first see Linda, we see only her, and occasional glimpses of her daughter. Between Christopher Messina’s extreme close-ups, and Linda’s weariness, we can already tell that she’s dealing with a lot. Indeed, some of her problems, like the collapsing ceiling, are rather farcical. As the film goes on, her problems get surreal, occasionally violent, and pretty maddening. It even gets depressing, as Linda wonders if she’ll end up like Yoselyn Ortega or Andrea Yates. Thanks to Byrne’s performance, Linda never loses her audience’s support, even as she partakes in something drastic - and disturbing - in the climax. Still, to answer my question, the film leaves her with a sliver of hope for the future.

There’s a pretty good supporting cast in Linda’s orbit, even if their characters aren’t at all likable. O’Brien, as the colleague, is so restrained and serious that he's practically unrecognizable. But with Charles absent, Dr. Spring too condescending, and Caroline's husband callously unhelpful, he's still a welcome sympathetic ear. It's also pretty funny when he and Linda squabble after Caroline vanishes. She also has James (ASAP Rocky), her motel's superintendent, and Diana (Ivy Woulk), the front desk clerk, to help her out. Still, Linda's difficult personality stretches their limits, and you won't blame them when they hit theirs. Linda's arch-nemesis, a parking attendant (Mark Stolzenberg), clearly hit that limit ages ago, but he's just annoying compared to some of her other problems. 

Let's give a few shout outs to its technical aspects. There's no composer credited, but we still get something like a score here. It's mostly an unsettling soundmix filled with ambience and the occasional muzak, which does wonders in putting us in Linda's headspace. Her hallucinations, and the occasional real-life violence (particularly a shocking incident with a hamster), are visualized with pretty spectacular effects. There's some pretty great production design, by Carmen Navis, for Linda's apartment in every bit of its disrepair. And finally, everything is held together nicely by editor Lucian Johnston.

Overall, If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You can be an extremely uncomfortable comedy to watch. Yes, despite the nightmare fuel, and the mental crises, it's still a dark comedy. But as I said, the slim, yet hopeful ending for its protagonist, makes this cinematic ordeal worth watching at least once. It's disturbing, yes, but it's also strangely rewarding. If it doesn't sound appealing, don't worry, for I've got something a bit more palatable next time.