Anaconda

Hey, did you know they were rebooting Anaconda?!

Wha’? You mean that big snake movie with J-Lo, Ice Cube, and Jon Voight? That snake movie with all the Sci-Fi channel sequels? That Anaconda?

It’s pretty stupid, right?!

What am I supposed to do about it, Baxter? Lament the death of Hollywood? Lament the death of original ideas? Anaconda isn’t the pinnacle of Hollywood, but at least this reboot has an original angle.

Wha’? You gotta tell me about it!

So, we’ve got Griff (Paul Rudd), a dayplayer who’s just been fired from his latest gig. He heads back to Buffalo, where his childhood friends, Doug (Jack Black), Claire (Thandiwe Newton), and Kenny (Steve Zahn), are also stuck in their lives. They've always loved horror movies, and they even made one as kids. So, when Griff tells his friends he has the remake rights to Anaconda, they head off to the Amazon to make it. 

Unfortunately, they arrive underfunded and underprepared for this type of "Indie" movie. Doug, the director, casts a real snake as the anaconda, but Griff, the star, accidentally kills it. Santiago (Selton Mello), their snake handler, quickly forgives Griff for his fatal stupidity. But while looking for a new snake, Griff and Santiago encounter a monster anaconda that’s been slithering around the whole movie. Let’s see how they all survive this real-life monster movie.

Tom Gormican, who previously directed the meta-fictional Nicolas Cage movie, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, is an appropriate choice for this type of reboot. Having an actual monster snake stalk a film crew trying to remake a monster snake movie is a fun angle to take. Don’t even look for an explanation how the monster snake came to be. It’s probably one of nature’s mysteries, which I can totally accept.

It may be a comedy, but it could’ve taken things a bit more seriously. Early on, we see the creature feature our heroes made as kids, which may have been schlocky, but they still had fun making it. Then Griff and Doug wax cluelessly poetic about Anaconda’s - both the original and their movie. They’re joined by Ana (Daniela Melchior), a mysterious woman being pursued by Joao (Rui Ricardo Diaz), an illegal gold miner. But they’re thrown off the movie once we learn their true allegiances. It’s as if the film isn’t interested in its own twist villain, or any other villain besides the monster snake.

So, why would I recommend this movie? It’s because it gets good when it commits to its action-horror tone. The jump scares work, while the monster snake effects are pretty effective. One of its big twists, that Griff never had the film rights to begin with, is taken appropriately seriously. For all the big jokes the trailer spoiled, there are just as many surprisingly funny ones it didn’t. Its big action climax, on the set of an actual Anaconda reboot, is quite thrilling. 

Our intrepid cast does the best they can with this screenplay. Black and Rudd are fun together as Doug and Griff, each of whom lets you feel, even somewhat, for their dead-end lives. Newton, who usually doesn't do these types of films, is a welcome addition, even if Claire doesn't do much. Zahn's pretty lively as Kenny, even if his character is basically The Load. It's so much fun to watch Mello have fun as Santiago, particularly when he quickly reconciles with Griff. It helps that there's a nice surprise for Santiago during the credits. It would have been nice if Melchior and Diaz's subplot hadn’t felt like an afterthought; they really left a strong impression. And finally, expect a few surprise cameos.

The first Anaconda, and its sequels, are now regarded as cable schedule fillers. You can probably expect this Anaconda to join them in a generation or two. That's not saying that this film is awful; don't expect anything profound and you'll get a lively distraction from the doldrums. If you want something more substantial, well, I think I've found a few films that are supposed to be that. Those reviews come next.