Jungle Cruise

We could have had a Jungle Cruise last year.

But, no. Disney's film of its famous boat ride took a detour to this year. Director Jaumet Collet-Serra and his many screenwriters turned it into a mix of Pirates of the Caribbean and The African Queen (itself an inspiration for the ride). How does this mixture work?

It's 1916 and World War I is happening. Lily Houghton (Emily Blunt) and her brother, McGregor (Jack Whitehall), go to the Amazon to search for the "Tears of the Moon," a tree whose petals cure anything. They were laughed out of the Royal Society for proposing their exposition. So they go there themselves. They have a MacGuffin arrowhead to help them find it. They hire Frank Wolff (Dwayne Johnson) as their "skippy."

Meanwhile, Prince Joachim of Prussia (Jesse Plemmons) pursues our heroes. He revives the cursed conquistador Lope de Aguirre (Edgar Ramirez) and his men to help him find the tree. While Frank normally captains staged Jungle Cruises for gullible tourists, he now has to guide Lily and McGregor past these real dangers and more to get to the tree.

Let's start with the characters. Frank is a groaner pungeon master with a twist of a backstory. He's a good guy, especially when McGregor all but comes out to him. McGregor, meanwhile, is quite a fop but he proves himself capable. Lily's story sounds like nothing new but it's sufficient. Paul Giamatti does well in his small role as Nilo, Frank's pompous Italian "boss." The villains, Prince Joachim and Aguirre, are fine; slight edge to Aguirre and his creepy conquistadors, though.

How creepy are the conquistadors? One's merged with a beehive, and Aguirre himself is filled with snakes. Its quite obvious CGI, as are most of the animals, but the designs are perfectly creepy. The action scenes are mostly entertaining, especially Lily's escape from Joachim at the start. But Lily getting nabbed by surprise mercenaries just before she sets sail is jarring. The finale is overlong and somewhat tedious. At least there's a good score from James Newton Howard to listen to. Still, the most memorable piece is the opening instrumental of Nothing Really Matters.

I actually rode the Jungle Cruise in 2016. So how does the movie compare to the ride? Other than it's longer? It's an OK action film that could have shaved a few minutes. It's 127 minutes long, but it's a bit too long. I don't think it's gonna start a franchise. But who knows. It's cheaper to see it in theaters than on Disney Plus right now. But it'll be free on the latter in a few months or so. So take your pick. As for me, it makes me wish I could be on the ride again.