Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Jack Sparrow ain't retired. He just biding his time. After numerous production snags, Johnny Depp's swashbuckling alter-ego is back for another 3D adventure, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. It's more of the same yarns of swashbuckling supernatural shenanigans, for better or worse.

Our favorite Captain Jack is down-and-out after he and his crew botch a bank robbery. He's so glum that he barters his magic compass for a bottle of rum. The Compass doesn't like Jack giving it up so easily and releases his greatest fear. Said greatest fear is a crew of ghostly Spanish Pirate Hunters captained by Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem).

Meanwhile, Jack runs into Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), whose father Will (Orlando Bloom) is the cursed captain of the cursed Flying Dutchman. Henry wants Jack to help him find the Trident of Poseidon, the MacGuffin that can undo the Dutchman's curse. An astrologer and horologist, Carnia Smyth (Kaya Scodelario), has a map to the Trident. Salazar wants the Trident to enact his undead vengeance on all the Pirates of the sea. Salazar ropes Jack's frenemy Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) into service to find Jack and the Trident. And some Navy jerks want it too.

It's a convoluted plot, that's for sure. But you'll be shocked to know that it runs for just 129 minutes. The directing duo of Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg (Kon-Tiki) keep things going quickly. It almost never drags its feet. It also helps that Captain Jack's antics are still amusing as always. We also have a memorable villain in the ghostly Captain Salazar. The supporting cast is a good bunch, even if some of their characters are superfluous.

There are questions that may make or break it. I've got a few. The film says Salazar is Jack's greatest fear. But how can that be if Jack can't remember his name? Why are the Navy guys in the movie if Salazar takes them out before they even see the Trident, and therefore, not an overall threat? I must also question when this film's supposed to take place, considering the guillotine's just been invented. It's still a wonder that it's nowhere near the elephantine 168 minutes of At World's End.

Its set pieces aim to top each other in rapid succession. There's Jack's opening bank robbery, which goes from robbing a bank vault to robbing the actual bank building. There's the daring double-execution save of Jack and Carina by Henry. All of it ends with the mainly undersea battle for the Trident. Salazar and his crew are realized by creepy CGI. The undead sea creatures are just as creepy. The physical makeup equally beautifies and uglifies the cast with ease. Paul McCartney's cameo was barely recognizable because of it.

Dead Men Tell No Tales promises to be the last of Captain Jack's big-screen adventures. But there's always talk of a sequel and the end credit scene hints at a long lost character's return. What more can there be? This movie ended what At World's End "started." I'm not holding my breath for Captain Jack's return. At least we have a decent matinee on our hands to get summer moving. It's not revolutionary but it's not dreadful.

Alien: Covenant

.....................................................................................................

I made sense out of Prometheus then and now. But I'm aware then and now that not everybody did. Among the many complaints was that it didn't make up its mind if it was an honest prequel to Alien. 

For the sequel, the 2010 to Prometheus's 2001, its franchise intentions are a lot clearer. Once again directed by Ridley Scott, this is Alien: Covenant, a film whose answers are surprisingly not underwhelming.

The starship Covenant is on a voyage to the planet Origae-6. Their seven-year ETA is wrecked by a solar flare which kills a few personnel by cryotube malfunction (like the captain, cameoed by James Franco). Good thing the android Walter (Michael Fassbender) doesn't need hypersleep or he wouldn't be around to get up the rest of the crew.

Naturally, the crew doesn't want to go back to hypersleep. So when they pinpoint a new world to colonize that's even closer, the new captain Oram (Billy Crudup) orders full-speed ahead. Daniels (Katherine Waterston), the terraforming expert and the late captain's wife, is skeptical about the new planet. But everything's fine down there. Except for the organisms that infect live humans with vicious monstrosities.

The landing crew is decimated by the "Neomorphs" until they're saved by the android David (also Fassbender), last survivor of the Prometheus. Their new world was that of the "Engineers," the creators of the human race. David's been tinkering with their technology to create his own perfect organism. His crowning achievement is the Alien itself, the "Xenomorph." The survivors of the Covenant must work hard if they want to live.

The characters are a mixed bunch. On the one hand, some characters, like the dead captain, barely get development (or none) before they bite it. They get more in some scenes featured in the trailers, but not in the film itself. On the other hand, the characters we know the most are great. Tennessee (Danny McBride), the pilot, is the best of the humans with great lines and development. Daniels is a capable action heroine as much as Ellen Ripley in the classic tetralogy. Michael Fassbender has great chemistry with himself times two and the rest of the cast. Strong CGI (except one smudgy spot) helps him converse whole scenes with himself.

And the monstrosities themselves? Scary. They're both visualized by great motion capture work. The Neomorph makes for a great new addition to the movie monster Parthenon. The Xenomorph don't show up until the last fourth or so of the movie. They won't disappoint. Yes, there's two of them. The extra one nearly took a point off for me for ending fatigue until I remembered Alien and Aliens.

It's another technical achievement from Scott. The great production design by Chris Seagers visualizes such eerie locales as the Engineers' capital and David's lair. The Covenant itself is a nice ship on par with the Ares of The Martian until things go south. Dariusz Wolski's cinematography and the effects which visualized those locales was also excellent.  The costume and makeup design also get their jobs done. Editor Pietro Scalia builds up the relentless suspense with ease. Jed Kurzel's score mixes some of Prometheus's and Alien's tracks, often overshadowing his own. His best composition accompanies the debut of the Neomorph.

Alien: Covenant's answers may not be for everyone. Its horror isn't for everybody. I got through both those parts OK. I found a fascinating theme about a creation destroying its creator emerging. Add the film's quoting Ozymandias, and I think David's future isn't as secure as he thinks. I want to see if I'm right about it. It was a 122 minute sci-fi horror film that never bored me. The next installment is apparently coming within two years from now. And I'm already ready.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

There's always room for King Arthur in Hollywood. His last screen appearance was a same-titled 2004 dud about the "real deal." I vaguely remember it being drab. Guy Ritchie's reinvention, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, is slightly more memorable for its oddities. But at least it resembles the myths more than the "real deal."

The evil Vortigern (Jude Law) hates his good brother, Uther Pendragon (Eric Bana), king of Camelot. So he cooks up a scheme with the mage Mordred and some Sea Hags to dispose of the Royals. Uther's son Arthur gets away and is found by some Londinium ladies. Years later, Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) is a rowdy guy with equally rowdy friends. They rough up bad guys, like the Viking who roughed up Arthur's adopted mother. But the Viking was a guest of Vortigern. Uh, shackles...

When the Sword in the Stone is discovered, Arthur is last in line to pull it out. Arthur gets in front and the sword, thus proving him the Once and Future King. But the sword is too powerful for the untrained mind. So a mage (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) frees Arthur and gets him to Sir Bedivere (Djimon Hounsou). Naturally, they're here to help him control the sword and cut down Vortigern. Arthur has his doubts.

As with Ritchie's last film, The Man from UNCLE, there are four writers on the story/screenplay. You'd think there'd be a few dozen more. It throws a lot of questions around in quick succession. What's the deal with the Sea Hags? How come this human/mage war the intro text exposits is barely explored? Is Vortigern a power-hungry psycho or a remorseful man putting up a tyrannical front? The film's editing style overwhelmed its attempt at cohesive storytelling. Arthur's growing up montage went by faster than a speeding bullet. A few other scenes zig-zag in time in rapid succession. 

The film's best characters were the Sea Hags themselves. OK, they're called the Syrens. They're the most bizarre part of the film as they're equal parts creepy and unintentionally funny. They only really appear in one scene and I wish there was more. The human characters were uninteresting standard action characters. Except maybe Vortigern, but that's because he occasionally turns into a demon knight that looks like Skeletor. There was nothing wrong with them as a whole, but nothing special either.

The film's best visual effects, other than the Sea Hags Syrens, were the beyond skyscraper-sized war elephants in the prologue. Yes, this sounds like the Mumak, but they're still terrifying monstrosities. Their roar is simply astounding. The action scenes are pretty good when you can tell what's going on. Unfortunately, the opposite happens a lot. Camelot itself is recreated with fine sets by production designer Gemma Jackson. Annie Symons' costume design complements the gritty fantasy tone well. The same goes for the makeup work. 

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword hopes to be the first of a six-film series. They forgot to make an engaging first installment. Its heavy style over substance makes the 126 minutes tough to sit through. It's one thing to reinvent a story that's been done for ages. It's another to make that reinvention something worth watching. Let's hope the next person who pulls King Arthur back to the screen have a great idea in mind.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Marvel's mightiest rogues are back. The Guardians of the Galaxy have more space to explore and beats to jam to. Once again with James Gunn writing and directing their adventure, they're here in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

So the Guardians of the Galaxy now work as heroic mercenaries. Peter Quill/Star Lord (Chris Pratt), Rocket Racoon (Bradley Cooper), Baby Groot (Vin Diesel), Gamora (Zoe Saldana) and Drax (Dave Bautista) open the film by slaying an inter-dimensional monster. The "Abilisk" was after the Anulax Batteries, the power source of the snobbish, chrome Sovereign race. Nebula (Karen Gillian), Gamora's estranged evil sister, was also after the batteries. The Sovereign proudly hand Nebula over to the Guardians once they deal with the Abilisk. Rocket helps himself to some of the batteries and the Sovereign notice. Their drones shoot up the Guardians' ship and make them crash on another planet.

The Guardians meet Ego (Kurt Russell), the Avatar of a living planet and Star Lord's mysterious father. Ego and his ward, Mantis (Pom Klementieff) take Star Lord, Gamora and Drax to visit himself, while the others repair the ship. Unfortunately, the B-Team is found by the Ravagers, Star Lord's old space pirate crew. Fortunately, Yondu (Michael Rooker), the Ravager captain and Star Lord's stepfather, is a cool guy. But the Ravager Taserface (Chris Sullivan) isn't and mutinies with Nebula's help.

Meanwhile, the A-Team is living nicely on Planet Ego. But Gamora realizes something's amiss. Ego's up to something with Peter and the Guardians will have to join with their new allies to stop it.

It's a busy plot but it's not incomprehensible. You'll remember everybody and their part in the story. They're all a fun bunch of galactic misfits and deities. They have deep issues, whether it's with family or their stolen stuff, to work out during the film's 135 minutes. And it's a funny and compelling ride. Best of all, the film knows how to bring even the smallest plot points full circle. Even a funny jab from the first movie takes on a dark meaning.

Let's expand on the characters. The established Guardians are great; their chemistry and characterization worked here as the last movie. Yondu is still a cool old guy. Nebula's a sympathetic character even if she's quite antagonistic. Kurt Russell as Ego seemed like a cool old guy until we find out his secret. Mantis is endearing. Sylvester Stallone made a welcome cameo as the Ravager Starhawk. And who can forget Marvel's fowlest character, Howard the Duck, who has a nice background cameo in one scene? 

And Stan Lee was there too.

The technical Marvels deliver again as usual. There's a wonderfully eclectic bunch of Aliens and Planets created by the Production Designer Scott Chambliss and Visual Effects department. Ego himself is a visual Marvel; wait till you see inside him. Costume Designer Judianna Makovsky dresses the galaxy in a wonderfully fancy display. The Makeup department standout with the chrome Sovereigns and Ego's rugged appearance. The music, whether Tyler Bates' score or the old standards, is pretty good.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is just as funny and exciting as the first movie. The story makes it a meaningful ride through the cosmos. Once you're done, you'll want more. Sure enough, they'll be back for Avengers: Infinity War next year and the inevitable Vol. 3 sometime soon.

The film gives us five prerequisite credit scenes. Two of them expand on Lee and Stallone's cameos, two more are funny bits and another promises another foe for the Guardians on the pipeline.

Smurfs: The Lost Village

The last time I smurfed out a Smurfs movie, I don't remember smurfing liking it. So what smurfed my attention back to the land of little blue people? A new smurfing direction for one thing! Whereas the last two Smurf movies mixed live-action and animation, Smurfs: The Lost Village is completely animated. And surprisingly, this exceeds any smurfy expectations.

This smurffest reiterates how Smurfette (Demi Lovato) was created by the evil Gargamel (Rainn Wilson) and turned good by Papa Smurf (Mandy Patinkin). Everything's smurffing great in Smurf Village for everybody but Smurfette. They've all got clearly defined smurffing personalities but her. So she explores the wall surrounding this Forbidden Forrest. She finds someone roaming around. That someone drops a Smurf Cap of a different color, which means there's more where that came from.

That's great news for Gargamel, who wants all their Smurffin essence for himself. So Smurfette sets out with Hefty Smurf (Joe Manganiello), Clumsy Smurf (Jack McBrayer) and Brainy Smurf (Danny Pudi) to locate the other Smurfs to warn them about Gargamel. Strange creatures await them. A bigger surprise awaits them when they meet the new Smurfs.

What's there to smurffing like about it? The humor is nowhere near as obnoxious as The Smurfs 2. The characters were likable in their own ways. The voice cast characterize them pretty well (even if Gargamel's casting change needs some getting used to).The story went along at a mostly nicely paced 90 minutes. Should I say smurffing more? I think I should.

The visual department get some smurffing points. The animated environments looked good, but the floating river was awesome. The textures of the Smurfs' clothing looked incredibly real. The creatures the Smurfs meet were nicely designed. The Smurfs themselves are uniquely defined despite their chromatic similarities.

The story is where it nearly trips on its big feet. Our heroes have a mostly placid journey. The Floating River sequence was intense and a scene with neon bunnies was fun, but that's about it. Speaking of the main bunny, Bucky, what's up with him glowing neon even in daylight? Barely anything is a serious threat until Gargamel finally finds the hidden Smurf village. That is why I said it was  "mostly nicely paced." The climax hinges on Smurfette being invulnerable to Gargamel's magic due to her origin. And Gargamel so doesn't consider her a threat it's laughable. The last few minutes were emotional even if the outcome was obvious.

Smurfs: The Lost Village is a smurffin improvement over The Smurfs 2. It's not spectacular, but it's not spectacularly cringeworthy. It's a nice, quiet pre-summer matinee for the whole family. Or it's a nice, summer matinee provided you can find it still in the next few weeks. Given its slow reception at the box office, you might have the whole theater to yourself. 

I didn't.